Pregnancy Speedbump

wow.. it's been a long time!

2008-04-22T14:10:00.002-04:00

Hiya!! It's been a long time Blogger... how ya been?
Me? Well, I have been ok... thanks for askin.
I am back at the gym, full time.. whew. And I just signed up with my trainer for a 6 month fast track assessment/program change.
Yea, I know... pretty cool eh?
I'm getting back into shape.. finally. We have made a decision not to go back to the Clinic until the fall. Or, moreover... I have decided this. I am tired of my body being so out of shape with all these drugs and hormones. Ugh.
I have decided that I will kick it in high gear until fall and get my bod back.YEAH!
Hey, guess what... I can run 1.5 miles in 15:58 minutes. Yup, it's true.
I think that is pretty awesome!
Anywhoo... I just called the Clinic this morning to book my sonohystogram. I had to wait for my period to come back to book it. The period took 5.5 weeks. Bugger. Anyway, I am in for that on Friday. He just wants to look and see if all is well with my uterus. I am sure all is well in there, but never hurts to go look I guess.
Well, that is all for now. Sorry about being MIA for a while.. I just have nothing much to say... xox

A little R&R is good

2008-03-30T11:12:00.003-04:00

Well, it has been a while since I have been here, and Debbie reminded me of that. Thanks Deb! :)
This past week has been a good one. I am back at the gym in top form, stopped bleeding (finally) and am back to my old self... I think.
I am on the quest to get this weight off, getting back to eating more healthy... I am kind of struggling with this one at times, and generally feeling better. I think a lot of this has to do with the time of year, also. Winter gets me down. I do no sports in the winter time, and that sucks. I go to the gym, and that is about it. While I was pregnant, or pyseudo preggo, I was just walking.. so what does that actually do? Nothing much, in my opinion.
I am going at it with a purpose now. I have a couple of things coming up in the near future (about 6 weeks) that I would really like to shave off 20 pounds. Is that unrealistic? Perhaps. That is my goal, however.
Other than that.. life is good. I am busy with my business ventures, and that is good. I let them slide as well, when I was going thru my thing. I am back on the saddle with those. Can't pay the bills if there is no $$ coming in!

What a grrrrreat day... happy Monday! :)

2008-03-17T14:04:00.002-04:00

Well, finally.... here we are! I am FINALLY feeling like my old self again. Finally. I went back to the gym today, finally. I am taking baby steps, starting at the beginning. I know I am wonder woman, but I still have to take it easy at times... lol.
I had total anxiety last night, which I didn't realize until I tried to sleep. Yea, good luck with that. I was off and on all night. More off than on. Ugh! I had to get up early for the gym, didn't my body know that? Hmm... I think it did, but my mind had other thoughts. Oh well.
I got up, went in to the gym, talked to my trainer, went back to everything really easy and I feel GREAT! Yeah.. this is the feeling I have been missing.
I feel alive, ready for anything, active, renewed, lighter, just better. Finally. I called my colonics chica and found out she is away until the 24th. Okay... no biggie. I have went back towards eating more raw again, juicing all the good things. I think this has a LOT to do with my feeling too. Oh, and spring is coming... that ALWAYS makes me feel better. The sun is shining, although it is FREEZING outside... it is all good.
Have a sunny lovely day... xoxo

keeps going.. and going.. and going

2008-03-15T11:48:00.002-04:00

WOW. It is still flowing... I can't believe it. I thought we were done Thursday, which would have been fine with me. But, yesterday it was back... with a vengence. Hmm.. I guess I can understand it.
I am still tired, still fat, and still sore. I am not sure if it is the results of the pregnancy and the loss, or a mild bout of depression. I suspect a little bit of both. I am quite content to be in my house, doing whatever it is that I choose to do. Luckily, Marc is working this whole weekend, so I can do just that and not feel guilty. Not that he would care, cause he wouldn't, at all.
I can tell that this has taken a toll on him as well. He just doesn't know what to do, but I don't either. There is nothing really to do, we can just be. We can just heal from this and move on. That is what I am planning to do.
I am going back to the gym Monday morning. I have asked my trainer to meet me there. I want to talk with her about fast tracking a program for me to get back into shape. I have started eating more raw again. I picked up The Raw Detox Diet again and have started looking at some recipies. I find that is the hardest thing... what to eat. Ugh. And, with coming off these drugs, I love to eat now...
Anyway, that is where we are right now. Just trying to get back to life.
xo

I think it is complete...

2008-03-09T14:58:00.001-04:00

It is all done, thankfully.
Saturday night I thought I was hemmoraging. Yikes. It was awful. Snow storm, Marc was working midnights and I was bleeding to death.
Called my Doc at 11:30 and he calmed me down... said all was well and not to worry.
Had my appointment this afternoon. Ultrasound and chit chat. U/s showed that I did miscarry on the weekend, and that my uterus looks clear. Thank goodness. I so didn't want to take the medication or have another D&C.
Talking with the Doc, we are going to come back for a sonohistogram at the beginning of my next period and at that time we will do some immune testing as well. He thinks that I am pretty much just an explained case.
In any event, I have to run... taxes are due and I have an appointment with my accountant tomorrow... good times!
I will chat more later...xo

Today was ass kicking Monday, I think...

2008-03-03T21:29:00.002-05:00

Back to the gym I went today. Not that I stopped going while I was cycling, but I was only walking. I don't even consider that anything. Ugh, I am glad that is over. 3 miles a day at a speed of 2.7... blah.
Today I was back to the weights. Back to resistance training. I have 3 months to get this bod back into shape, or somewhat shape. Progesterone and estrogen were not my friend I tell ya. Carb queen I was... so unlike me. But.. hey, I was pregnant. I allowed the carbs in... all for the good of the quest.
Uh huh, so I am back to the gym, Miss Carb Queen. I tell ya, you cannot go back to where you were 6 weeks ago. You cannot just jump back there, oh no. I got about 3/4 done, and I had to quit. It was just too much. I tried running on the treadmill, yea, right. 5 minutes of that shit and I was all done with that. I guess I now have some issue going on with my knee. Did the carbs settle in my knee?? YIKES!
Baby steps, and I know this. But, I think I am a little angry with my body and how it keeps failing me. I do everything I am supposed to do. I eat right, I exercise, I went organic, I don't eat red meat, I am careful about everything! I took my meds, I did all the prep work, all my body had to do was accept the embryo, grow it good and we were all set.
So, here I sit.. waiting for the miscarriage. The clinic called today and I am scheduled for the next ultrasound on Monday. This ultrasound will tell us if my body is miscarrying naturally or if I will need the medication to help it along. I just had a realization last night. I bet you that I won't miscarry on my own. As with my previous blighted ovum, my body was keeping that in there come hell or high water. All it wanted was to keep that safe and sound. Ah, but.. body... we need more than the gestational sac for a baby... sheesh! Keep ALL the stuff, if you are gonna keep anything!
Today was also the day of letting the few people that knew I was pregnant or cycling, know that I am no longer. That is always fun. The exact reason that we do not tell too many people. It is just too hard for us, and the poor people, they don't know what to say either. I totally understand.
So, now I will move on to investigating which immune testing I need. There is a section on the bulletin board that I go to that deals with immunities. I will start there. Dr. Beers has a test that you can do online that will give a good indication of what direction to go. I will also do that.
Later taters!! xoxo

Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did....

2008-02-29T18:34:00.002-05:00

So, it was 5:30 pm when I finally got out of bed today. I just had no energy, ambition or will to do it. What did I need to get out of bed for? To go to the gym? No. To look at my computer? No. For no reason, so I didn't.
My husband cooked me breakfast at 11, but he didn't serve me until 2:00 pm, when he knew I was awake. He went to the bank and did my business banking for me, and is now out for dinner with my parents. I just didn't want to go. I just didn't want to do anything today, so I won't.
My Dad brought my flowers this morning. That was so nice of him. He must have picked them up on the way home from the gym. I love him. I didn't even know, until my Hubby brought them up to me at 2.
So, I am usually like this for 1 day following the shitty news from the Clinic. Whether it be a miscarriage, or a negative result, or not good result. I am usually toast the next day. So.. today is my day to wallow around. To cry, to pout, to laze.
I am concerned about this pending miscarriage. I hope that the evacuation will not be toooooo... I don't know.. painful, much, ugh. I am planning to go back to the gym HARD on Monday. Picking up on my routine that I left off on when I began the transfer and all that. Stepping up the pansy ass walking to my running, and going back to the weights and resistance training.
I have gained about 20ish pounds with this cycle and I want to take it off. I hate the meds that I am on, and I am so glad I am off. Progesterone makes you eat like a horse... I don't need that.
Also, with pregmancy, you have to eat. I went back to drinking milk, eating some meat, carbs... just eating. I have to admit, I was loving the carb thing.. which is funny cause I was never a huge carb fan. Pasta... yuck! But while being pregnant, or pyseudo pregnant, I was LOVING pasta. I will be off all that soon.
Lots of work ahead. Baby steps to get back, I realize that. It is only 3 months...

Ugh... you`ve got to be kidding...

2008-02-28T16:02:00.003-05:00

Ultrasound appt time 12:15. Empty sac. Blighted ovum number 2. Chances of blighted ovum 15 - 20%; chances of getting 2 blighted ovums, much much less. Someone has got to be kidding me.
I am to stop all meds now, and go back for another scan in a week. Hopefully my body will begin to miscarry, if not, I have to take Misoprostol to help the miscarriage along.
I can`t cycle again for 3 months.
We have 4 frozen embryos at the Clinic.
In a month, my RE will do some bloodwork to look into blood clotting disorders and or some immunity issues. I am happy about that. Sucks that they have to follow a protocol and go from step to step. I thought this about immunity issues LAST time I had a negative. That is how the whole organic - juicing - acupuncture - colonics - naturopath - raw thing got started. I wasn`t willing to sit around for 3 months and do nothing, while I had to wait to cycle again.
Good thing is that it will only be 1 month until we can begin that testing. Perhaps we can find the key to unlock the door then.
Thank you for reading my blog, and following me in my journey. This is not the end, but rather just another speedbump.
love you all...

8 week ultrasound tomorrow... FINALLY!

2008-02-27T12:20:00.002-05:00

Woohooo!! We made it!
I never thought I would make it to this day, well... tomorrow. Whew.. Although, I don't like to wish my life away. :)
Tomorrow is my 8 week ultrasound. WOW. It's been 2 weeks since my last ultrasound. Two whole weeks, and it seemed like two years. I have tried not to stress or be anxious about this ultrasound. I know that those two emotions are so not good for me.So, 8 weeks. Hmm... what should we "expect" to see on this ultrasound. I have reserved myself to the fact that what I should expect to see and what I will see are different :).
8 weeks... I know that the heartbeat is visible and audible. I know the crown to rump measurement should be 16mm or something like that. I really don`t do much research on this, as I just get upset and depressed thinking that I may not be there. Perhaps the anonymous research poster will let me know... or cheer me up! :)
I do know that I have gained a couple of pounds, which is totally normal. My skin is going a little crazy, as I am having a couple of break outs here and there. Again, normal.
I am just waiting to see what tomorrow brings...

Blue Man Group, accident and taxes...

2008-02-24T12:22:00.002-05:00

My family went to see the Blue Man Group on Friday night. Really cool show! They were there, when we were in Vegas about 8 years ago, but of course we couldn't get any tickets. So, when they came to Buffalo, we were there!!
Amazing electricity in the air, totally pumped up show, interactive...way cool! I really didn't know what to expect, so I was pleasantly surprised. They did their drum thing, had cool lighting, had a really great band. It was so entertaining!
Yesterday, I was with my cousin picking up her wedding dress. On the way, I got into a car accident... ugh. I was on a busy street, and I totally went thru a red light. UGH!! Luckily, there was only 1 other car making a left hand turn off of a perpendicular road. Neither one of us were travelling very fast, but I totally didn't see the light ~ at all. I went right thru it, my cousin didn't see the light either. When she yelled, I slammed on the breaks and went right into her back door on the drivers side. We were all ok, the other girl was quite shaken up, but no injuries.
What really sucks is that I am from Canada. I had the accident in the US. I don't know what the reprocussions of that are. Also, everyone has told me that I should not have admitted that I went through the red light. I'm sorry but I just don't think fast enough to lie, or omit the truth. Ugh.
We have no-fault insurance here. I am not sure how insurance in the US works. I do know that people like to sue other people. I am hoping that is not the case here.
I called my insurance company this morning, but of course they aren't opened. I will call them tomorrow to report the accident, then go and see how much damage is done to my car.
I HAVE to begin working on my taxes! I am such a procrastinator... ugh. When you are self-employed, the tax situation is so much more involved. Ugh... I will be drowning in the paperwork soon... wish me luck!
Have a great day everyone... and stay safe ;)

7 weeks today, and I feel nothing

2008-02-17T17:50:00.003-05:00

So, I am 7 weeks today. Hooray!! :)
I feel nothing. No pregnancy signs what-so-ever. My boobs are tender off and on. Sometimes more than others, like when I take my bra off... ouch. Or, when I lay on my back at night... ouch. Especially when the dog bashes his head against my chest. YIKES!
Other than that, nadda. Is this normal? I guess everyone's pregnancy is different. I can accept that. But, when you are having a couple of issues with your pregnancy, you want to feel SOMETHING.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am still pregnant. Am I? Did I have a spontaneous abortion and didn't realize? No... there was no bleeding, no pain. Is it possible? I don't know.
Even with my blighted ovum last time, I bled. I bled a lot, and there was some remaining matter in my uterus that began to grow again. I had no pain though.
Hmm...
And, my next ultrasound is not for another week.
Calmness, come to me now.
The only saving grace is that I have been quite busy lately. I had a 75th birthday party today, and my cousin is coming over to work on her invitations. I have had my girlfriends dog here for the past 3 days. Bowling for Kids Sake was yesterday, so I was busy with that yesterday...
Anyway... I am left to wonder... am I still pregnant?

6 weeks 4 days; measure 5 weeks 3 days

2008-02-14T19:26:00.004-05:00

Just returned from my 6 week ultrasound. Apparently I measure 5 weeks 3 days instead of 6 weeks 4 days. Because of this, there was no yolk sac, no fetal pole in my uterus. Worrisome.
As much as I knew that I would probably measure behind, because of my wonky betas... I was still upset. An intern was sent in to explain all this to me, to boot. Ugh... no interns please. They regurgitate textbook information (which she did) without knowing any real live situations.
"I can't say that it is something to worry about, but I can't say that it is nothing to worry about". Ugh, are you kidding me? I waited to talk with my RE, or rather an RE from the clinic, not my RE 'cause he is in BC. Regardless... she said not to worry, that just because I am behind a little bit, it is not of grave concern. That is is not unlikely to not see a yolk sac at a gestational sac measuring 5 weeks. I don't know about that.
I think that this knowledge is both a blessing and a curse. Again, if you are not where you are supposed to be, according to text books and popular knowledge, you worry. It is only human nature. This is where I am.
I am worried, and now I am off to search the internet.

V-day is here...yeah! Ultrasound day!!

2008-02-14T07:55:00.001-05:00

Well, I finally made it here without killing anyone, or myself. I have the patience of an ant.
Today is ultrasound #1 at 2:30 pm. Today we will see our little bean for the first time! I am so excited, I could hardly sleep.
Off to the gym at 8:30, then home to prepare for the trip to the Clinic... I am just so happy today!!!
I will post news as soon as I return!!

hugs to all..

Tomorrow is ultrasound #1

2008-02-13T18:36:00.004-05:00

I am 6 weeks along today :) YAY!!
Tomorrow is the big day... Valentine's Day... is there any better day to see my baby for the first time? I think not.
I am totally stoked for the event. Appointment is at 2:30 pm. I will update as soon as I get home, and hopefully I can get my GD scanner working again so that I might be able to scan in the picture.
Vista and my printer don't jive.

Eckhart Tolle ~ A New Earth

2008-02-13T18:36:00.001-05:00

I am totally stoked. I have 4 copies of The New Earth en route to me. One for moi, one for my BFF, one for my Mom and one for my massage therapist.
I can't wait to dive into this book. I can feel the enlightenment from here.
How exciting! I have even signed up for the Oprah/Eckhart classroom on oprah.com, how cool is that??
Come join me! We can have discussions...

Geez... am I still pregnant??

2008-02-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks, with an ultrasound on Thursday Feb 14th. Valentine's Day. How appropriate! I can't wait to see my baby's heartbeat!
It is hard to believe that I am even pregnant. I have no symptoms of being so. No morning sickness (which I am glad of), not excessively tired, my boobs hurt a little bit, I am hungry too. I attribute a lot of that to the progesterone though. I am not so bloated anymore either.
Weird. Am I still pregnant???

The importance of positive affirmations

2008-02-10T12:31:00.000-05:00

Oprah did a show this past week on The Secret of The Secret. And, unless you have been living under a rock for the past year, I am sure you have heard of The Secret. The power of positive affirmations and positive energy, sending vibrations into the universe, etc.
I have The Secret dvd and last year when I was going through a fresh cycle of IVF I watched it many times. I had to be reminded of the power of positive thinking and sending positive energies into the universe to reap them back. Put out there what you want, and it will come back to you...
Well, I guess with infertility and running the IVF course you kind of get programmed for disappointment and failure. I read that on the bulletin board that I have been stuck to with this FET. I found that interesting.... your mind gets programmed to expect failure or disappointment.
I have found myself in that rut. I have found myself, for a minute, kind of giving up on the thought of this being a viable preganancy. I am not in the range where I should be. I am not doubling as I should be. I am not doing as I should be. This is going to be another disappointment, another failure. I have set myself up for another heartbreak again.
Hmm...
An anonymous poster left a comment on my last post. This person just left a comment on hcg levels. Actually not just a comment, but I think that this person had to at least punch in "hcg levels" into google to get these results. I have read this information before, I know this information. But... for a total stranger to reiterate this to me, at this time of my doubtfullness? Hmm... I thank you for your reminder to stay positive. You are so right. Shame on me for doubting myself and my amazing ability to move mountains. Thank you for finding my post, thank you for reading it, thank you for taking the time to care and share with me. You did make me stop for a minute and think.
Equally amazing, I was at the gym this week, as always. The manager of the gym asked how I was doing and if the eggs were incubating good. I replied, yeah, I hope so. Explained that I was going for an ultrasound on Feb 14th and that was the real test. Told her about my hcg levels and all that.
She began to tell me about the Oprah show and the guests that particular day. It was The Secret of The Secret and there were 3 ladies on the show. They were all speaking about the same power of positive thinking, but there was 1 lady who was speaking about the shallow self, the ring of fire and the inner core of peace.
I DVR Oprah everyday. I had the episode on file. I rarely sit down and watch the episodes. Unless it is a dreary day and Marc and I are vegging on the couch.
I also know the principles of The Secret. I know the power of thought, the power of positive thinking, quantum physics, vibrational output etc etc etc. I have to admit... I haven't been employing all of, or any of those lately.
Was this all a wake up call? Was all of these little things the whisper in your ear? I think they were. I think it is someone or something telling me that I have to believe in the power that I have. The power of positive thinking, the power of my thoughts. Thoughts manifest your destiny.
I watched the episode of Oprah last night. I am signed up for the Eckhart Tolle/Oprah Classroom based on his new book The New Earth. I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I called my girlfriend and went out for lunch with her yesterday. She is 6 months pregnant and it was always difficult for me to see her, even this past month. I told her yesterday that I too was 5 weeks pregnant, and that my 6 week ultrasound was on Feb 14th.
Valentine's day, how appropriate to see my baby's heartbeat.

4th beta in...

2008-02-05T14:34:00.001-05:00

Clinic just called... beta came in at 857.
Not so hot.
No scheduled betas until the u/s next Thursday.
I don't know what to think.... ugh.
I am a mess...

Waiting and waiting... why does it take forever?

2008-02-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

Ugh. 4th beta this morning. 219, 386, 583 so far. All 48 hours apart... ok you get 48 - 72 hours to double. I get it.
I am just sitting on pins and needles waiting for the call from the clinic though. Oh my goodness... it is almost 2 pm. Holy shit! Call already.
I have a terrible feeling. I don't know why. Perhaps it is because we have never been THIS far before. I mean, we are almost 4 weeks. 4 weeks on Wednesday.
My ultrasound was scheduled for Feb 14th at 2:30. How quaint. I think I may die until then.
I have no idea why the nervous energy. I have been up since 5:30. Marc's alarm woke me up, then I was up... that was it. It was clinic day.. there was no sleeping. And, with these erratic betas, who could sleep.
I just want the best, but I feel like the hammer is going to drop. It can't be this good. It can't go just right. I should be fine with everything, like my massage therapist says... you can't do anything about it. If you feel fine, then you are.
It is not like I am bleeding or anything. My boobs still are sore, although this morning I didn't think they were.
Of course, every telemarketer and pre-recorded phone call is coming in this morning and this afternoon... ugh!

Beta hell...

2008-02-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

This is awful. 1st beta 219, 2nd beta 386, 3rd beta 583. Ugh. Not quite doubled.
I understand that betas should double between 48-72 hours, ok. My 1st to 2nd was fine at a doubling rate of 61.15 hours. Between my 2nd and 3rd is 77.32 hours. Not so fine.
Are my embryos just lazy... just tired... who knows.
After you experience infertility, you become obsessed with the process and with the numbers for everything. What is your level for this or that, what is your measurement for this and that, what size is that and this... is this going up enough.. not enough... why why why...
You can drive yourself insane. And then you start to think, perhaps I don`t want to be pregnant, now that I finally am. Maybe I don`t know how to BE pregnant, or better yet, not to have the infertility issues. Who knows. What I do know is that I am cursing this internet. Everything you ever wanted to know, or not know is at the push of your fingertips.
I go onto my bulletin boards searching for similar situations and people that have prevailed. I know that every person, every pregnancy is different... yet I still search...
Someone... please... pull the plug!

Crazy weather, 2nd beta results...

2008-02-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

The crazy storm that came up from Texas was here bright and early this morning. Of course, this was the morning for my 2nd beta test. Yikes. I woke at 7:30 and called the clinic to see if they were open, as all the schools in the area were closed. Apparently the weather in Hamilton was much worse than here.
Yay! They were open! So, my Dad and I started out on the road for the 1.5 hour trip to the clinic. The weather WAS horrible! It took 2.5 hours to reach the clinic, and when we did, the lab was closed.
Are you kidding me? I went to the reception and asked when the lab closed, she replied about a half an hour ago. I explained that we drove all this way, because I called earlier and it was open... ugh!
One of my favourite nurses saw me, and said that she could take my blood and they could put it in the fridge until the morning. Then, she said that they could run it over to the hospital by taxi.... Excellent!
My blood was drawn, my prescriptions filled, hugs were given and I was back on the road. Whew... wasn't a wasted trip afterall.
The only downer... I may not get my results until the morning. But, heh... worse things can happen!!
I still feel fine, but my boobs are mighty sore. Yikes! Bring on the sports bra or anything super tight. Holy sensitive Batman! Other than that... nadda. I have been told to count my blessings, as the entire pregnancy may not go this good :)

Pictures of the embryos that were transferred

2008-01-31T13:36:00.000-05:00

OK! I finally got my scanner working again... yeahhh!! Damn Vista... screws with everything. In any event... here are the 3 embryos that were transferred on January 16th. You are looking at a morula, 9 cell and a 3 cell.

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2008-01-31T12:47:00.001-05:00

Beta is in....

2008-01-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well, after all my dedication, hard work and consistency, it all paid off... my beta came back at 219! Yeah!!! :)
I know that there is still a long road ahead of me, I have been here before. But, somehow I feel different this time. I do. I had no bleeding this time, my boobs really aren't that sore, I really feel no different. No cramps, no nothing. I am taking that as a good thing! My beta is lower than last time... last time I was pregnant from a FET my 1st beta came back at 660. Waaaayyyy high. I had cramps, was spotting, sore boobs, all that fun stuff.
This time it is all different. I was different this time. I was in control and took measures to change myself. If the outcome had not changed, I still would have. For that, I am thankful.
I was welcomed into a world of healing and healers. They have taught my so very much, and I have sooooooooooo much to learn. They are such great teachers though. Kris Carr and her Crazy Sexy CanSer posse... I love you guys n gals! xo My massage therapist, Cindy VanDyke... you have been such an amazing and important part of my life. You have really opened me up to another level of knowing and exploring myself..

I'm dyin a little inside

2008-01-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

So.. I have been doing HPT since day 8. They have progressively gotten darker in the days following day 8; until yesterday. Is is the brand? I don't know... I did FRER and Clearblue for the first 4 days. Yesterday I tried the Equate brand. The line was faint... and today it was even more faint. WHat the hell??? What is going on? Chemical pregnancy??? Shit.
I screwed up on my Crinone the other day, but I am sure that can't have an effect like that.... I have no idea.
I am tempted to go out and get another FRER and do another test tonight. I am just full of nervous energy now. I tried to nap, but couldn't...
UGH!

yummy.... Winter wonderland!

2008-01-27T09:53:00.001-05:00

What sounds better on a cold winter's day than a nice cup of Creamy Caramel, Smooth Rich Vanilla & Luscious Sweet Coconut. That is what you will find with this nice blend of Winter Wonderland. Check out Joffrey's today!

I broke... I POAS... I took a HPT... results are in..

2008-01-25T14:53:00.000-05:00

Well... I did it. I thought I wouldn't, but I did. No one knows. Shh.... I bought 6 HPT yesterday on a mad dash to Walmart. I took one yesterday at 5 pm with a very faint line. I took another this morning, with a line. Apparently I a pregnant!! :D
I will only TOTALLY believe this with my beta, then really with my second... and then ultimately with my u/s.
But...until then... I am pregant until someone proves me otherwise. Here is the evidence!

what the heck happened to my post?

2008-01-22T12:59:00.001-05:00

Hey now... what happened to my post? I posted after my transfer, and it is not here. Strange.
In any event... we transfered 3 embryos, Wednesday January 16th. There were a morula, 9 cell and a 3 cell. The 3 cell wasn't that great, but we put it in anyway, for a buddy :) We did assisted hatching on the embryos as well. Beta test is on January 30th.
So, now we wait... and wait... and wait. The waiting kills me. Mind games galore. You know the drill. Maybe I am... no, I'm not... maybe.. just maybe it worked... probably not. And so the saga goes...
I have drove past Wal-Mart time and time again, just so wanting to go in a buy a bizillion pregnancy tests. Those things are so evil. No lines, faint lines, no lines, is there a line?? UGH.
I am not going to do a HPT... today anyway. I can't speak for tomorrow... it isn't here yet :) It is so hard.
Went back to the gym yesterday; I took a break from it Wednesday to Sunday. I am just walking though, at 2.6... a really slow pace. I will do this until I feel ok to go a LITTLE faster or to venture to the weights. I know I will be fine, but I am still nervous at that.
I feel ok. Hungry from the progesterone and estrogen meds. Eating, eating, eating. Also, feeling a little BIG and bloated from the meds as well. I forgot how thick they make me feel. Other than that, I feel just fine. A couple of twinges and pulling in my abdomen... you know... the things that make you go hmmm.....

6 thawed, 3 not viable, 3 viable

2008-01-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

Wow... this has never happened to me before. Everytime we do a FET, all the embryos are fine and come through the thaw ok. The clinic just called and said that they had to thaw 6 in total. 3 were not viable, so they had thaw some more. YIKES!
So, the 3 viable ones are 8 cell, 7 cell and a 2 cell. We will transfer those tomorrow. They will grow overnight as well, so not to worry. I am trusting that all will be well.
Our appointment is for 10 am, and I am to come to the clinic with a full bladder of course. I asked the nurse for some pictures as well, hopefully they will take some for me.

eeekkk... one embryo ruptured in the thaw :(

2008-01-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from the Clinc. One of the embroys ruptured in the thaw. Sad. That was one of the 8 cell grade 4 embryos, I am sure. That sucks.
The good thing is that they only were thawing 2. I told the nurse that the Doc and I discussed thawing and implanting 3.... so they are thawing 2 more.
The first one thawed beautifully. Thank goodness.
I will keep you posted! :)

Wednesday January 16th is THE day!

2008-01-14T14:09:00.000-05:00

So, we had to go to the clinic on Saturday, of course. And the appointment was for 8:15 no less... nice! Thank goodness for parents, as my Dad took me up there. Leaving at 6:30 is just not pretty...
So, my follie decreased in size, to a 18 from a 19. Hmm... my lining was fine.. I dont remember the # right now.
The Doc was concerned with my estrogen level, but opted to give me the hcg shot. I started the Crinone cream 2 x daily yesterday. Funny thing, last time I only did it once per day, but I questioned him about the twice per day, as I did a lot of reading on the internet about it. Now, I am on twice a day.
Wednesday January 16th is the big day, the transfer. The clinic will call me Tuesday afternoon, with the results of how the embies are thawing.
OH YEA... I talked to the Doc about thawing and implanting 3 embryos. He said that would be ok and perhaps a good idea. I know that I have 2 x 8 cell grade 4 and some that are not so good, so I think he will transfer the 2 best and one that is not so best. YAY!
Also, he put me on estrace 2 mg per day. This was the protocol that I was on when I got pregnant.
So.... come Wednesday... I will be PUPO :)
Beta test Jan 30th
Cross your fingers and toes!

Ultrasound #2 & #3

2008-01-10T16:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my follicle was 12 and my lining was 5B, down from the 6B that it was the time before. Strange. But, that is what the clinic is concerned with, with a frozen embryo transfer. The thickness of your lining has to be just right, for your body to accept the embryo and for it to burrow into it properly.
Today, my follicle was 15 and my lining as 9B, GREAT! Saw my Doc, and he said that I have to return tomorrow, but that he will probably give me the hcg shot. I can then transfer on Tuesday... yay!
I am starting to feel a little more excited now. It is still hard to get too hopeful.
Last colonics treatment tomorrow and I am going to squeeze in a couple of more acupuncture treatments before I transfer. My meridians can't be too clear and my energy can't be travelling too well ;)

Even girlawhirl is on the raw food kick...

2008-01-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

Eating raw veggies fills girlawhirl up with enzymes

Jan 8, 2008
For a few years now, Girlawhirl’s heard lots of talk about raw foods. She’s eaten at a raw restaurant or two and was amazed at what the innovative chefs served using nuts, fruits, and vegetables, with nothing heated above 118 degrees. But it wasn’t until recently, after reading some news reports about enzymes and how they can help her body stay healthy and look younger that she made the connection…

As it turns out, enzymes are like the body’s very own power rangers – working at the cellular level to provide energy and nutrition to every cell. Raw foods, like fruits and vegetables contain lots of enzymes, but they’re rendered useless when food is cooked, canned, pasteurized or even frozen, because all that processing heats the food above the 118 degree mark.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell Girlawhirl that eating fresh fruits and veggies is good for her health (and her waistline), but the information about enzymes and their role in keeping her not just healthy but younger looking as well has definitely piqued her interest.

Here’s how it works: enzymes are needed not just for digestion but for all of the chemical reactions in our bodies. It’s because of enzymes that everything works, nutrients get delivered to cells, hormones are produced and processes that are essential for life “happen.” Dr. Edward Howell, who devoted most of his career to researching enzymes, refers to them as the “labor force” that builds a body. The body can produce enzymes, but the ability to produce them decreases as we get older. Raw foods, often called living foods, contain lots of enzymes that can be used not just for digestion but also for repair work inside the body.

That’s why people who eat raw and live foods exclusively tend to look younger and are free from many of the diseases that inevitably seem to come with aging. In a 1991interview, Dr. Howell said that he believed that enzyme deficiency could lead to premature aging, degenerative diseases and even early death. More current research has shown that upping enzyme intake, usually through supplements, has helped in all kinds of ailments from autism in children to cancer in adults.

Celebrities like Uma Thurman, Natalie Portman and Alicia Silverstone have been sighted on raw food websites as people who are eating more and more raw foods. Carol Alt is a long time raw food enthusiast, and Demi Moore and Donna Karan have been associated with eating raw foods as well. Woody Harrelson is so into raw that he made a movie about it! Girlawhirl knows that she’ll never be able to go 100% raw, but she can eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, and use enzyme supplements as well. After all a younger look and healthier body are worth substituting a carrot for a cookie!

For more information on raw foods, live foods and enzymes check out these websites:

Living Foods

One Lucky Duck

Raw Food Media

The Raw Food Detox Diet

Frozen Embryo Transfer Cycle ~ U/S #1 ~ Day 9

2008-01-06T11:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, well, here we go again.
Ultrasound appointment 8:00 am. Don't they know it's Sunday? Don't they know that I have to drive an hour to get there? Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't care.
On my way to the Clinic I tried to nap, as it was WAY early for me to be up. Blah.
Upon arriving at the window to check-in, I was told there was an invoice waiting for me and to come on it to pay it. Of course. Another 1300.00, bah... mere pocket change!
I proceeded into the bloodwork room, where the girl could instantly tell that I was less than impressed. SHe asked if it was the hour, the company or the clinic. I said the latter. She understood.
Off the the joyful ultrasound room to undress and jump into the stirrups. Yeehaw! After the prod and looksee in my uterus, I was off to one of the offices to see a nurse. I don't know what they could see on day 9, but whatever.
Nursey came in and told me that I had 1 follie at 11 on the left. That was it. All that, for that. Hmph. Please do not return until Wednesday.... yeah! I like that!
Let's see where we are on day 12... probably a little better than we were today.
All in all, I was kind of angry, sad, frustrated to be back at the clinic. Despite all of the measures I have been taking to better my body and clean it out, for this event itself, I was still a little negative. Ok... a lot negative.
I was angry to be there, angry that I had to be there. I just kept thinking about all others who had come before me, and after me, and while I was there... that became successful and are now carrying or holding their prize. All I could think about was what more do I have to do? What else can I do to make this work? Why, why, why.
I know there are no answers, but still the question begs to be asked.
I hope I feel a little more positive on Wednesday when I go back again.
Tomorrow is massage therpay (which is always good for a cry or two :)) and then acupuncutre. I am trusting that all of these extra ciricular activities that I am persuing are about to pay off...

Totally glam!

2008-01-05T09:55:00.000-05:00

This is what I want to look like, when I finally get pregnant. How chic is this liquid metallic mini dress with tie detail at the neck.
Totally pregnant, totally glamourous, totally chic. It is nice to see that maternity wear has really shifted and now mainstream designers are also designing chic maternity wear for everyone!
Believe and you will achieve. I am using this as my vision board. :)
what do you use?

Hail hail ... alternative treatments!

2008-01-04T14:40:00.000-05:00

When my last IVF treatment failed and I was in the dreaded 2 month freeze frame, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was no longer content to sit around and wait for 6 weeks for a follow up appointment with my IF Doctor, for him to offer me no answers. I knew I would ask why, and I knew he would have nothing to answer back. That to me was just unacceptable. How can there be no answers? There HAS to be answers. I think they are just not looking in the right places for them. Western medicine, albeit wonderful at times, only looks at the what and not the why. They are taught to take the symptoms and derive a prognois, then fix the problem. The band-aid approach.
Granted, I know infertility is a complex matter, with many variables. There may not be a simple solution to the problem. But, with text book cycles, ICSI, good eggs and great embroys, you would think SOMETHING would stick. Not here...
We have been pregnant twice, and lost both. You know that miscarriage has no rhyme or reason... I accept that. I do not accept the, "I don't know" answer that I receive all the time.
After watching Crazy Sexy Cancer and seeing how Kris Carr was able to metamorphasize her body and being into a "remission stage" with her rare form of cancer, I decided that I too could change my being. A lot of the practices that she adopted into her daily life, made sense to me. Some I already had adopted, but it surely kicked my butt in gear!
I began juicing everyday, being more conscious of my diet and how acidic it was. I cut out coffee, dairy and most carbs. I was not a meat eater at all, so that was not hard for me. I bought some books, did some reading and was on my way to "health"
I contacted my naturopath again, and began to see him again. He immediately told me that all of my reproductive organs were blocked with toxins... go figure. Homeopathic remedies, here I come. That is a whole 'nother post...
I was already taking yoga, which I loved. I am a regular client of a massage therapist, thankfully! I contacted an Acupuncutrist and began going to see her... then I found a Colon Therapist! Hail... hail... COLONIX!!
I am totally addicted! It is just amazing... I feel SO wonderful after treatments, so full of energy, so alive and so clean!
So... in a nutshell... I have totally revamped my life, in these past 2 months. I felt that this is the one thing that I can control in this uncontrollable situation. I am just doing anything and everything that I can do... to make this pregnancy thing happen!

Press play... acupuncture today!

2008-01-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

I have resumed acupuncture today. I figured, why not... I was covered through my health benefits and the money was put in my account today. It's all good.
When I went to see Dr. Lisa this time, I tried again to explain to her that I was going to the Fertility Clinic at McMaster, and that I already had 10 embryos cryogenically frozen, waiting for me to reclaim them and house them in my uterus. She magically understood me today, thank God.
It is sometimes hard to communicate with someone from a different culture. I guess we had some misunderstandings and miscommunication in our last visits. She was really wanting me to try some Chinese Medicial herbs, and I was trying to explain that I was already taking homeopathic remedies and that I was a patient at the Fertility Clinic.
Today, we were clear. Today we just did acupuncture on my meridians. We got the energy flowing again. I always feel so good when I leave a session of acupuncture; it is just amazing that those small needles can invoke such feelings of euphoria and pain. The needles in my legs are painful at times; the pangs shoot right down to my feet. Intense.
Stay tuned for tomorrows adventures... colonix and acupuncture... whoa!
Have you ever tried acupuncture for fertility? Let me know your thoughts... I am curious to see how you made out and what you think of alternative medicine in regards to fertility.
I know of a person performs acupuncture with a concentration in fertility. I am going to ask her for an interview for this blog. Stay tuned!

Just sitting here... waiting to begin

2008-01-01T22:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we are doing a frozen embryo transfer this month, finally. Doesn't it seem like you have to wait forever after a failed IVF cycle... ugh! Why must you wait 3 months... my ovaries don't need a rest. Honest!
I can hear the biological clock ticking away. I will be 35 this year. OMG... we have been travelling this road to Mommy-ville since 1996. That is the year I graduated from University, went off the birth control pill and just thought, whatever happened, happened. We would welcome a bundle of joy if it came, but it didn't.
After 3 years we thought we should go look into this. Why were we not getting pregnant? We weren't being careful, we weren't paying attention. Hmm...
Then, the battery of tests began. An exploritory laparoscopy, 2 cycles of clomid... still nothing. Finally we were accepted into the Fertility Clinic at McMaster University Hospital. Whoa! After another round of dye tests and blood work blah blah blah... it was all looking fine. Semen analysis would reveal that we had a low mobility and low motility.
On to invitro-fertilization we go. Hmm... what a blow to the male ego.
Freeze frame. 5 years later.
Invitro-fertilization, here we come. 2005 saw our first try at IVF and our first try at a frozen embryo transfer. 2006 saw our second attempt at IVF and our second attempt at a frozen embryo transfer. 2007 saw our third try at IVF and we are doing our 3rd FET right now.
We have 10 frozen embryos at the lab right now, so that will be enough for a couple FET. Thankfully.
When do you say enough is enough? I am questioning that right now. When will we say, enough is enough. Will we look at adoption? Will we look at surrogacy? I can't say.
When did you or will you say... enough is enough?

Au revoir 2007

2007-12-31T22:51:00.000-05:00

Au revoir and goodbye 2007. Don't let the door hit you on the way out...
In terms of the pregnancy speedbump, we were still on it the entire year, damnit. It wasn't like we didn't try to get off the speedbump, believe me.
The Feburary 2007 saw us going through a second Frozen Embryo Transfer, in which we transferred 3 GREAT looking embroys. We got pregnant, then we weren't pregnant, then we were pregnant. It was a mess. Blight ovum. Are you kidding me?
September 2007 played host to our third round of a fresh Invitro-fertilization cycle. 18 beautiful eggs, 15 mature, 13 made it to transfer day. 2 transferred in, 10 cryogenically frozen. Good deal... right?
We weren't pregnant, then we "technically" were, then we were not. Damnit. Not again.
It seems that my body just wants to be pregnant soooo bad... but other plans invade it.
Detours, detours.
3 month sabatical... brings us to January 2008. This will be our year. I can just feel it.
Take the journey with me.